This is a blog about cancer after all

I realize this is a blog about cancer and living with a cancer diagnosis. but sometimes I don't blog about cancer. Well, I do have lots of other ailments to blog about. And I try to ignore cancer so I'm not living in cancerland where its all cancer all the time.

But it does loom in the background of my life often. Well, almost constantly. Its hard to make it go away. I am ignoring it. I have one of 'those' appointments coming up that I am really trying to ignore. Its one of the appointments where there are negotiations, watchful waiting and discussions on what to do next.

I have no new cancer research to write about now. I can poke around and find some - maybe later this week. I have no pinkification to whine about except this is the time of year for recruiting for all the pink walks. I skip all those commercials. 'I can walk sixty miles for someone who has cancer' and all that cutesy crap. You won't ever catch me in one of those walks. More power to anyone who chooses to do them.

One extra benefit aggravation of developing ailments which cause pains around your body is you can take your mind down that evil road to cancer hell very easily. With cancer, you need to be aware of your body and look out for aches and pains that don't go away and linger. Well with my new ailments, RA and fibro, you have ailments which cause aches and pains that don't go away and linger. I tell myself they can't be cancer because I can blame them  on RA and fibro.

I try to ignore them and live my life on the edge of cancerland as much as possible.

My Attitude Needs an Adjustment

I have been thinking (which we all know is not a good thing) recently and wonder if I have turned into a 'poor me'  person - the bane of all patients. The next step might be hypochondria - which we really do not need.

So  my medical life has been in a downward spiral for some years now. Its now at the point where my doctors have said to me 'you have been through a lot'. Most of my ailments have been ones I have dealt with, tightened my belt and moved on. But this rheumatoid and fibromyalgia stuff seems to be getting to me more than other ailments.

I have met all my personal medical requirements:

1. I can't have an ailment that I can't spell or pronounce. 
2. I have a treatment plan (for RA so far but not yet for fibro as they need to treat one first and then the other so we can tell if its working or not but there is a plan afoot for fibro as well).
3. I have educated myself on both and joined online support groups.
4. I will attend a monthly local chronic pain group.
5. I can joke about it.

But I am not feeling my normal perky self. I went to a party Saturday night hosted by an old friend. By 'old' I mean since junior high. She has had rheumatoid since 2005, which is about when my health started its downward spiral. She very rarely talks about it. It is basically under control. She gives herself injections (something I am not sure I could do) and has been on a variety of medications. She doesn't seem to let it bother her as much as mine bothers me.

Before her party started, we managed to have a few minutes to talk about it. She said it took two years to get a diagnosis because she also had Lyme disease when her RA started. But she now really feels fine.

I decided I am jealous that she is in control of her RA (and still weighs the same that she did in high school). But two years to get it under control? I'm not sure I'm up to that.

But I digress. As I drove home from her party with my husband, I started to think. We left somewhat early because I got tired and was in pain. My friend and her husband were all going strong. I wanted to go home and go to bed.

I spent most of Sunday being lazy because I didn't have the 'oomph' to do much. While being lazy, I decided my attitude needs some adjustment so I can have more fun in my life and be perky again.

Attitudes can be slow to change

I had a conversation with an older friend the other day. When I say older, I mean she is probably ten years older than I, which isn't that much as far as I am concerned. But what was interesting is we were discussing another friend who's spouse has just been diagnosed with a late stage cancer. They are still learning the details of the diagnosis and establishing a treatment plan so its very early in the process.

What made me think was the first friend's attitude to cancer. She still views it as a death sentence. She said something along the lines of 'when I hear cancer, I just know it won't be good'. I tried to tell her that I know numerous people who have lived with a cancer diagnosis for decades. She was pretty set in her opinion. I don't think it is related to her age.

I really thought the world had changed in respect to cancer and that people no longer see it as an immediate death sentence. I guess that is what I found so disturbing.

The 'poor me' attitude

With all my ailments (but I really am a healthy person) sometimes its hard to avoid the 'poor me' attitude. I hate using all those words like surviving, battling, fighting, blah, blah, blah. But some days nothing goes right. There can be one of those fun medical adventures with the wrong results or something new decides to crop up or return or I simply get up on the wrong side of the bed so to speak. (Which one is the right side and which is the wrong side - I have never really understood that one).

Anyway some days its hard not to get dragged down into the 'poor me' crap. I do not use the oh-so-insensitive terms of survivor or warrior or whatever. I am a person living with cancer and a bunch of other medical ailments.

This poor me business can also be helped along by the 'well intention but clueless' who ask things like 'and how are you feeling today?' or 'what does your doctor say now - are there any new treatments?' or 'I would have thought they would have cleared that up by now' or 'will that never resolve on its own?' I try to avoid those people.

I know people mean well but sometimes they really do not understand at all. I have many things which cannot be fixed - lymphedema, back pain, bursitis, two cancer diagnoses - that I am stuck with so you don't need to remind me thank you. Your poor attitude is infringing on my life. May be its 'poor you' instead.