This is a less discussed issue relating to cancer diagnosis and treatment - the guilt factor. Sometimes its not even mentioned, while other times it is just brushed off as something you need to learn to live with.
Guilt is what got you to do what you were supposed to when you were a child. Guilt is what your morals use to keep you in line.
But then we feel cancer guilt which is different. Why didn't I get it and they did? Why did they have a recurrence and I didn't?
The more cancer friends I have gained, I have also lost some. I have the little list of in memorium blogs I used to follow, the group of friends on Facebook that are no longer here and are in memorium, there are the phone numbers in my phone that I know don't work any more. And when they do again, it will be a stranger's voice on the other end.
It seems now every month or two, or even more frequently, someone I know either has just learned about their stage IV diagnosis or I learn about their funeral arrangements.
Each time, there is a double dose of emotions the little tiny - "I'm glad it wasn't me" which is immediately followed by the huge "how could I even think that?" and then followed by cancer survivor guilt.
Sometimes the guilt lurks in the back ground and sometimes it emerges up front. It gives us down days but then we stuff it away and we learn to cope again. But its always there.
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
That other emotion with cancer
Survivor guilt often hits cancer patients later one. We are diagnosed and are hit with the why me mentality. Then as we come to accept and adapt to our cancer diagnosis, we tend to meet others who are also dealing with their cancer diagnosis. Then sometimes they are not so lucky and don't make it. Then we are faced with survivor guilt.
I can sympathize with this. I had thyroid cancer in 1981.When I returned to school shortly after that I lived in a dorm on a coed floor. That year the school had a mural painting contest on each floor. On the other side of the floor was an artistic student, in fact his father was an art professor, who painted an amazing mural. I can't remember if we won the contest or not but I do remember Andy the painter.
Within a year or so we learned Andy had an aggressive form of brain cancer and dropped out to focus on his treatment. He did show up at a party I hosted in a wheelchair once. But that was the last time I saw him. He didn't make it much longer. Why him? He was younger than me. That was when I first felt the first twinges of survivor guilt.
Later in life, I have met many more people with their own cancer diagnosis. Some are doing well, some are no longer with us. Some became very good friends as we talked about cancer and life with it. The closer I get to them, the harder it is when they don't make it. I have been to too many funerals recently.
Why don't they make it too? Cancer is treatable in many ways these days but there is still a long way to go. The guilt that I have made it twice through cancer and they did not make it through their cancer lives in the background.
This is another emotion with cancer that we must learn to cope with as we live our lives and go from doctor appointment to doctor appointment. This is also accompanied by the chronic fear that we don't want to get moved to the category of 'the ones who don't make it'.
I can sympathize with this. I had thyroid cancer in 1981.When I returned to school shortly after that I lived in a dorm on a coed floor. That year the school had a mural painting contest on each floor. On the other side of the floor was an artistic student, in fact his father was an art professor, who painted an amazing mural. I can't remember if we won the contest or not but I do remember Andy the painter.
Within a year or so we learned Andy had an aggressive form of brain cancer and dropped out to focus on his treatment. He did show up at a party I hosted in a wheelchair once. But that was the last time I saw him. He didn't make it much longer. Why him? He was younger than me. That was when I first felt the first twinges of survivor guilt.
Later in life, I have met many more people with their own cancer diagnosis. Some are doing well, some are no longer with us. Some became very good friends as we talked about cancer and life with it. The closer I get to them, the harder it is when they don't make it. I have been to too many funerals recently.
Why don't they make it too? Cancer is treatable in many ways these days but there is still a long way to go. The guilt that I have made it twice through cancer and they did not make it through their cancer lives in the background.
This is another emotion with cancer that we must learn to cope with as we live our lives and go from doctor appointment to doctor appointment. This is also accompanied by the chronic fear that we don't want to get moved to the category of 'the ones who don't make it'.
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