No pain, no gain.

I end up in pain all the time these days whether I do anything or just sit around. My theory on this is if I am going to end up in pain, I might as well have fun doing so. It is January. It is Boston. It is winter. So yesterday we went to the beach.

Why not?

It was low tide.

 It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining once it stopped snowing.

This might even be part of a ship wreck from the early 1900's.

 

There was snow on the beach and some ice.

And I made a snow angel.

 

Then we went out for (very healthy) fried clams while my next Tramadol kicked in to relieve the pain. I had fun while I was in pain.

Its a whole new world out there

So you get an ailment and, in the very 21st century way of doing things, you start a blog. You meet all kinds of people (in person and virtually), get and give support, and learn a lot about your ailment and resources available for you. You start following other blogs, sign up for communities and listservs, you get people to communicate with world wide.

Its amazing how much information and support is out there - its truly a wonderful thing. It can be a full time job to keep up on a single ailment.

But I started behind the curve as I had two ailments - two cancers - thyroid and breast to blog about. I have mostly focused on breast cancer but I have let the thyroid cancer come into play as well.

But now I have more ailments - fibromyalgia and rheumatoid - to cope with and blog about. I have followed more blogs, joined more online communities and listservs, my inbox has its own little folders to help manage the vast quantity of emails I receive - the most popular folders being 'Cancer' and 'Health'. I have a lot more to learn.

I never realized how insulated in the cancer world I was until I read the Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy's blog this morning about more of the best inflammatory arthritis blogs. I like the RA guy - he is a self described superhero blogging his way through chronic pain and debilitating inflammation. I will probably even join the monthly pain support group help locally as I learn more about my new issues.

I digress. Now I have a whole new world to learn about out there - find support, learn about my new ailments, and keep on blogging.

I am making this a positive thing

Although I wont take my last Femara tablet until I see my oncologist on Monday, just to be sure there are not any last minute positive studies that will show Femara forever will prevent any future return of cancer cooties, I am making this a positive thing - as much as I can.

Breast cancer treatment puts you into menopause. My breast cancer treatment started on August 1, 2007 and my hot flashes began shortly there after. Tamoxifen continued them. Femara continued them. I am not sure I remember life without hot.flashes. This is now January 5, 2013 which means its been 5 years and 5 months of hot flashes. They can be convenient on a cold winter day but not really. No never really. Hot flashes suck.

So now this cancer treatment cliff has a positive spin - no more hot flashes.

There are other side effects from Femara:

• dizziness, drowsiness, weakness, tired feeling;
  
• hot flashes, warmth in your face or chest;
  
• flushing (warmth, redness, or tingly feeling);
  
• headache;
  
• nausea, constipation;
  
• bone pain, muscle or joint pain;
  
• numbness, tingling, weakness, or stiffness in your hand or fingers;
  
• pain in your hand that spreads to your arm, wrist, forearm, or shoulder;
  
• night sweats; or
  
• weight gain.

I don't think I would miss any of them, come to think of it.

I can't say that I have had all of these but I really wouldn't miss them. I will confer with my oncologist and see how much better I might feel physically without Femara. Its the mental thing that is still getting to me.

Approaching the cliff

I have my own personal cliff that I am facing. And it has nothing to do with finances. Money isn't everything as the old saw might say. My cliff involves my health, as always. I don't think of my health as a series of cliffs in anyway. It is a series of disasters, appointments, and procedures, where I might feel a pinch.

But on Monday I face the breast cancer treatment cliff. I will stop taking Femara. That means my breast cancer treatment will end and I will go on my merry little way.... WAIT, BACK UP.... Cancer treatment can't end. I need to have my hand held for the rest of my life with this cancer shit.

Deep breath. Well if I am not in treatment any more they can still hold my hand. Can't they? I have been in cancer treatment continuously since May 2007. I have had surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, Tamoxifen, and then Femara. Through this whole process there has always been another step to look forward to. But not any more. I'm done! Yippee, oh shit.

On Monday my oncologist and I will discuss this again. She already brought it up when I saw her last fall. I thought I would be ready, I enjoyed the advance notice. I thought I was running out of pills a few weeks ago and even got a refill of Femara so I had enough to get me to my next appointment. I haven't even opened that bottle yet.

I know we will talk about how Femara has done a number on my bones and I may need some additional treatment to get my bone density back up to where it is supposed to be.

I know I will also continue to meet with the surgeon annually for follow up mamograms, the radiation oncologist for annual follow ups, and my primary care. And my pain doctor, rheumatologist, and all those other doctors so I guess I will get some care that will include some hand holding I hope.

But now I am facing the Emerald City at the end of the Yellow Brick Road through Cancerland. (Can you tell we wanted The Wizard of Oz recently? So what's in the Emerald city - healthy bones, healthy me, etc? Or is there just a little man behind the curtain running the world in front of the cliff?

On Being Happy

We should all try to be happy and enjoy life. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of curmudgeons anyway? We do not even need the internet to tell us when life gives us lemons we should make lemonade (and add vodka as needed). But I do think we should forget about things like the doomsday clock, cliffs, death, and cancer among other things.

So I looked on the internet for sources of information on this (because everything on the internet is true) and found that there are 15 things to give up in order to be happy:

1. Give up your need to be always right.
2. Give up your need to be in control.
3. Give up on blame
4. Give up on self-defeating self-talk.
5. Give up your limiting beliefs
6. Give up complaining
7. Give up the luxury of criticism
8. Give up your need to impress others
9. Give up your resistance to change
10. Give up on labels
11. Give up on your fears
12. Give up your excuses
13. Give up the past
14. Give up attachment
15. Give up living your life to other people's expectations.

I could write an essay on each of these. You can read more on these here but I think it comes down to defining yourself, being yourself, put your self as number one, don't worry about what others are doing or might think, and relax and be happy.

Life throws us curve balls and if we can be happy before a curve ball nits, we can cope with it better if we are happy than if we aren't when it hits. We need to focus on what makes us happy as well.

Happiness is underrated. And incredibly important.

Get out of my way

As part of my routine, I am going to the gym after work today. I go three days a week regularly and I am serious about my workout. I bring my nook or a book so I don't have to talk to poeple I don't want to on the cardio machines. I have a routine, 45-50 cardio, four machines, and the rest in the mat room. I have a schedule to meet - I need to get through my routine and go home before I collapse in exhaustion after a long day at work.

I know the gym will be annoyingly crowded by all these resolution types. I hate the gym for the first three weeks of January - that is how long the average New Year's Resolution lasts. Then they give up and don't come back to the gym until January of next year.

But for the next three weeks, all you resolution people need to keep out of the way of the regulars.

• You look at the machines and cant figure out how they work because it has been so long since you were there. So you fiddle, and hopefully will not hurt yourself, and take a long time to sit there between sets because you probably put too many pounds on the machine.
• Yes a stationary bicycle is slightly different than one you ride down the street. No kick stand to start with.
• You probably walk slower than you think on the treadmill. Start slowly and build up. Don't jump on at 5 mph or you will probably land on your butt.

How do I know these factoids?  At one point I was a gym newbie and knew nothing on how to use a treadmill either - I know its only walking but its a little more complicated indoors. I took the time to learn with trainers on how to work the machines and asked questions when I didn't know.

But in my cynical 'New Me' way, I am more likely to say 'get out of my way' and stop hogging the machines.

Does one out of four count?

I'm slightly better than others because the data says 80% of New Year's resolutions fail. I made four resolutions at the beginning of 2012, and only achieved one. My resolutions were:

1. Not to get cancer again in 2012. I didn't. I mean there are things that are under supervision but no new diagnoses.
2. Not to develop any new medical ailments in 2012. FAIL. I now have fibromyalagia and rheumatoid arthritis so I have all sorts of new stuff to learn about.
3. To lose weight. FAIL. I upped my personal deflabbification project and I didn't lose weight. Well I did and it came back - see #2 above which made it harder to exercise. I think I weigh exactly the same as I did a year ago but I am still motivated.
4. To be a perky cheerful person all the time. FAIL. Again see #2 above which makes it difficult to be perky and cheerful all the time when one is in pain, tired, and cranky. But I still manage to be perky occasionally which really annoys my husband so that is just a bonus.

Well now I have time to come up with new resolutions for 2013. I'll think about it and get back to you in a few days.

In the meantime, Happy 2013.