Yesterday at work was the monthly sales meeting day which means it was chaotic from time to time. I was feeling relatively antisocial for some reason. I couldn't decide why. Then I realized its because of my stupid medical appointments tomorrow which are putting me in avoidance mode.
Nothing like one bad mammogram to make you dread them for the rest of your life. But that is tomorrow. This is today. I will go to work today and then the gym and continue to avoid it all day and all of tomorrow as well.
Stressed? Not me. Ha!
Monday morning and I need a nap
Last night I went to bed pretty early to get ready for a Monday where I actually have to go to work. I did wake up around 330 and wasn't sure I would get back to sleep. Then I was informed by my husband that I slept through the alarm and the snooze alarm. I guess I was tired. I need a nap.
But its not to be. I will go to work and then meet a friend for a walk (I hope). I'll go to bed early tonight to make up for it.
I have been a big fan of four day weekends recently and find I barely make it through a 3 day work /18 hour work week. Today I have to go to work because of my doctor appointments on Wednesday and I have plans for Friday. If I have to change my work schedule, I usually opt for the Friday option instead of the Monday option.
There will be a sales meeting at work today which means the people who work remotely will be in so it will be a bit chaotic. However it does guarantee I can get take out for lunch. Nothing we have at home appeals to me right now.
My husband selected turkey baloney for his lunch choice this week. I think it is slimy and disgusting. His rationale is that he has had turkey just about everything else so what is wrong with baloney? Ick. Its all his, I don't believe I'll be sharing any of that with him.
But I think I am done procrastinating and need to hit the road. After I brush my teeth.See? I can procrastinate with the best of them.
But its not to be. I will go to work and then meet a friend for a walk (I hope). I'll go to bed early tonight to make up for it.
I have been a big fan of four day weekends recently and find I barely make it through a 3 day work /18 hour work week. Today I have to go to work because of my doctor appointments on Wednesday and I have plans for Friday. If I have to change my work schedule, I usually opt for the Friday option instead of the Monday option.
There will be a sales meeting at work today which means the people who work remotely will be in so it will be a bit chaotic. However it does guarantee I can get take out for lunch. Nothing we have at home appeals to me right now.
My husband selected turkey baloney for his lunch choice this week. I think it is slimy and disgusting. His rationale is that he has had turkey just about everything else so what is wrong with baloney? Ick. Its all his, I don't believe I'll be sharing any of that with him.
But I think I am done procrastinating and need to hit the road. After I brush my teeth.See? I can procrastinate with the best of them.
On being cynical or jaded...
Yesterday I thought my blog post was a bit cynical. Someone on Facebook said it was a bit jaded maybe but understandable.
My health keeps giving me hits - if its not one thing, its another. I spend more time rearranging my life for doctor appointments and at those appointments than anything else. By the end of this week, I will have had 18 medical appointments in the first 19 weeks of the year. I am down to an expected rate of about 50 doctor appointments for the year. This is the lowest since 2006.
My therapist (of course I need a therapist with all these medical issues) tells me I am in chronic mourning for my health because something else always seems to want to cause problems. (Yesterday my knee started popping when I walked up and down stairs but I am going to ignore that one for at least a month.)
I don't think I deserve any special treatment because of my ailments. I do struggle with writing a blog about breast cancer when its not really much about breast cancer right now. But I do have my annual mammogram along with some other 'fun' tests this week (which I am ignoring for now because that is all my inner child can handle). I'll fill you in on the details sometime in the future.
My cynicism on my health comes out as I am as healthy as a horse on the way to the glue factory. I work with a bunch of people who have no idea of any health ailments that I have had longer than the four years I have worked there. But they still think I am the least healthy employee.
I just got an email from RealAge.com telling me I should think myself young. Yeah right.
My health keeps giving me hits - if its not one thing, its another. I spend more time rearranging my life for doctor appointments and at those appointments than anything else. By the end of this week, I will have had 18 medical appointments in the first 19 weeks of the year. I am down to an expected rate of about 50 doctor appointments for the year. This is the lowest since 2006.
My therapist (of course I need a therapist with all these medical issues) tells me I am in chronic mourning for my health because something else always seems to want to cause problems. (Yesterday my knee started popping when I walked up and down stairs but I am going to ignore that one for at least a month.)
I don't think I deserve any special treatment because of my ailments. I do struggle with writing a blog about breast cancer when its not really much about breast cancer right now. But I do have my annual mammogram along with some other 'fun' tests this week (which I am ignoring for now because that is all my inner child can handle). I'll fill you in on the details sometime in the future.
My cynicism on my health comes out as I am as healthy as a horse on the way to the glue factory. I work with a bunch of people who have no idea of any health ailments that I have had longer than the four years I have worked there. But they still think I am the least healthy employee.
I just got an email from RealAge.com telling me I should think myself young. Yeah right.
What is so 'feel good' about cancer?
I'm working on this one. I haven't come up with much. There was a recent article in the New York Times about our feel good, pinkification war on breast cancer that has never done much for me.
There is also that year 2020 breast cancer deadline which I find just stupid. Seriously in 7 years there will be a cure? We have come a fair distance in the past seven years but that doesn't seem to have us in a position to be done in the next 7. Some pretty little blue bird of happiness will have to drop something off unexpectedly that will do the trick, get through FDA testing and all that, and then drug companies will still gouge the patients for a $10,000 a year for the medication (because of all the research they had to do).
I saw a video recently about cancer researchers dancing - even in bowties - because of how happy their research makes them.
There was an article in the local paper on a local woman who was a cancer researcher and how she felt about contributing to solving cancer.
I am glad they all like their jobs but it doesn't do much for me in the end. Maybe I'm cynical or maybe I'm just tired and cranky.
There is also that year 2020 breast cancer deadline which I find just stupid. Seriously in 7 years there will be a cure? We have come a fair distance in the past seven years but that doesn't seem to have us in a position to be done in the next 7. Some pretty little blue bird of happiness will have to drop something off unexpectedly that will do the trick, get through FDA testing and all that, and then drug companies will still gouge the patients for a $10,000 a year for the medication (because of all the research they had to do).
I saw a video recently about cancer researchers dancing - even in bowties - because of how happy their research makes them.
There was an article in the local paper on a local woman who was a cancer researcher and how she felt about contributing to solving cancer.
I am glad they all like their jobs but it doesn't do much for me in the end. Maybe I'm cynical or maybe I'm just tired and cranky.
The Best New Doctor Reaction Yet
He laughed.
I went to see a physicians assistant in the rheumatology department yesterday about the bump on my arm (not on a log). He was a very nice man and spent some time talking to me.
He said what I have is probably a ganglion cyst and he could stick a needle in it and drain it but it might come back. I said lymphedema arm. He said 'oops, no needle'. I said when I move my thumb around it makes it hurt more, he said I could give you a thumb splint but that would make your arm swell up.
So we left it that I will monitoradmire it, and if it does become problematic, I would be referred to a surgeon to see if there was anything else that could be done. On the other hand, sometimes they go away on their own, or disappear and then reappear. But its not arthritis and its not cancer so what they hell, I can stick with it.
Then he asked me how I was doing with the RA. I told him about being allergic to both plaquenil and prednisone. Prednisone is often given to RA patients to give the other treatments a boost to get them started or during a flare to help get it under control. Not for me.
I also said that I can't take the organics like Humira, Enbrel, etc because of my cancer history. And I'm allergic to benadryl and the cillins as well.
He laughed and said 'oh you are a great patient to treat!'. I have multiple ailments, can't take many regular treatments, and have allergies that pop up all the time.
Yes I could see the humor in it. But at least I didn't have to scrape a new doctor off the floor for once upon hearing all my medical history..
I went to see a physicians assistant in the rheumatology department yesterday about the bump on my arm (not on a log). He was a very nice man and spent some time talking to me.
He said what I have is probably a ganglion cyst and he could stick a needle in it and drain it but it might come back. I said lymphedema arm. He said 'oops, no needle'. I said when I move my thumb around it makes it hurt more, he said I could give you a thumb splint but that would make your arm swell up.
So we left it that I will monitor
Then he asked me how I was doing with the RA. I told him about being allergic to both plaquenil and prednisone. Prednisone is often given to RA patients to give the other treatments a boost to get them started or during a flare to help get it under control. Not for me.
I also said that I can't take the organics like Humira, Enbrel, etc because of my cancer history. And I'm allergic to benadryl and the cillins as well.
He laughed and said 'oh you are a great patient to treat!'. I have multiple ailments, can't take many regular treatments, and have allergies that pop up all the time.
Yes I could see the humor in it. But at least I didn't have to scrape a new doctor off the floor for once upon hearing all my medical history..
How we cope
I have always said that unless you have walked the walk, you can't talk the talk. If you haven't had cancer, you have no idea what it is like - you can't shouldn't even pretend to get it. But those of us who have been there know.
So that opens us up to all the emotions of the cancer diagnosis and treatment process again and again as we hear stories about others.
A friend called me yesterday because a friend of hers who just gave birth to a new baby two weeks ago, was just diagnosed at stage IV for a recurrence of a rare childhood cancer. There aren't a lot of treatment options - either chemo or surgery - available for her. She doesn't have a full diagnosis/prognosis yet but it doesn't look good. Its a very sad story that she will probably not be around to raise her child.
So those of us who have walked the walk have a good sense of what the treatment will be like. It won't be fun. It doesn't sound like it will have a good outcome either.
But those of us who have walked the walk at every story we hear our emotions take over again and open up and send us down that road again. Now that we have learned to cope with our cancer story, we then need to learn to cope with someone else's story again. Its an ongoing process.
My therapist tells me I am in a chronic state of mourning because of my continually downward spiraling health issues. But as I pointed out to my friend yesterday its like with each story we hear, we need to go through the five stages of coping/grieving/mourning again.
Is it easier each time we go through this? Not really. I think we just adapt our coping mechanisms a little more.
So that opens us up to all the emotions of the cancer diagnosis and treatment process again and again as we hear stories about others.
A friend called me yesterday because a friend of hers who just gave birth to a new baby two weeks ago, was just diagnosed at stage IV for a recurrence of a rare childhood cancer. There aren't a lot of treatment options - either chemo or surgery - available for her. She doesn't have a full diagnosis/prognosis yet but it doesn't look good. Its a very sad story that she will probably not be around to raise her child.
So those of us who have walked the walk have a good sense of what the treatment will be like. It won't be fun. It doesn't sound like it will have a good outcome either.
But those of us who have walked the walk at every story we hear our emotions take over again and open up and send us down that road again. Now that we have learned to cope with our cancer story, we then need to learn to cope with someone else's story again. Its an ongoing process.
My therapist tells me I am in a chronic state of mourning because of my continually downward spiraling health issues. But as I pointed out to my friend yesterday its like with each story we hear, we need to go through the five stages of coping/grieving/mourning again.
Is it easier each time we go through this? Not really. I think we just adapt our coping mechanisms a little more.
Now its my back
Lets return to the 'if its not one thing, its another' category. My back is being very bad lately. When I say bad it is causing me pain of the kind that makes it difficult to remain vertical for any length of time. That makes it hard for me to do things like walking around, cooking meals, cleaning, emptying the dishwasher, going to the grocery store, going to work, and feeding the cat among others. Nothing much. It also tends to hurt when I am sitting or lying down.
What can I do that does not cause me pain. I'm thinking. I'll get back to you when I come up with something.
I think what has happened is that the last treatment to my back has worn off. I have had these fun treatments where they basically stick heated needles in my back between the bones and kill off the irritated nerves which are causing pain. They are irritated because they are being squished as a result of my degenerating disks.
The treatments work for at least a year or so and can be repeated. Even though the nerves are killed off they do grow back but usually less so they cause less pain.
The problem is I am not scheduled to see my doctor until the end of May. I can try to get an appointment sooner but his schedule is usually very tight. Then I will have to wait to get the treatment scheduled which can take another 4-6 weeks.
I'm still thinking of something I can do without pain.
What can I do that does not cause me pain. I'm thinking. I'll get back to you when I come up with something.
I think what has happened is that the last treatment to my back has worn off. I have had these fun treatments where they basically stick heated needles in my back between the bones and kill off the irritated nerves which are causing pain. They are irritated because they are being squished as a result of my degenerating disks.
The treatments work for at least a year or so and can be repeated. Even though the nerves are killed off they do grow back but usually less so they cause less pain.
The problem is I am not scheduled to see my doctor until the end of May. I can try to get an appointment sooner but his schedule is usually very tight. Then I will have to wait to get the treatment scheduled which can take another 4-6 weeks.
I'm still thinking of something I can do without pain.
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